State of The Snells: October Edition 🎃 🐌

If I had to say one thing that makes me a bit sad about having snails is… they’ll never know how much I love them. I don’t think snails are capable of affection and the love I feel for some of them is just so deep. It’s all I could think about when taking these photos:

It’s not that I find them interesting or fascinating (at least it’s certainly not just that.) It’s love like I felt for my rats or feel for my cats. Maybe there’s a slight level of detachment due to being so aware of their fragility, as a way of protecting my heart. But I adore them. I literally love them. They can’t hear me, they can’t blink. If they feel the vibration of my voice, they tend to hide. They don’t even have a brain, at least not in the normal sense that you’d think of a brain. They are so different from me. But I love them.

I think rats and cats can understand affection. They know, on some level, that I feel love for them. At least I think they do. But even I can’t fool myself into thinking that my snails love me or even that they care for each other. They’re snails. So it does bum me out that they can never process me as a being that cares about them not even in the most basic of senses. But I guess that’s alright.

In other news, knock HARD on wood, but I haven’t seen mites in my Roman snails in some time (maybe two weeks?) and the baby milk snails are growing really well. Their parents seem to continue on the road to recovery, moving a little bit every day, and you know, not dying. So that’s promising.

In addition to this I’m carefully looking after the clutch of Roman snail eggs. I’m so excited for them to hatch.

Here is a video of one of my Roman snails being dumb the other day:

His mouth is open, if you can zoom in. A real winner of a gastropod. 😅

Last video, from a month ago. I forgot to upload it:

Dreams and Relationships 💭

The other night I dreamt of someone from my past. The older I get the more I dream of people, rather than my stories/characters, etc. It can really be anyone (though some are more persistent than others, formed out of deep longing and regret, and I wish I could make some of the dreams stop.)

This one was different, because while I still have dreams of them occasionally, rarely do I think of them unless I run into a certain topic (usually online or in a movie) and it makes me go “I wish we could have remained friends because only they would have understood/enjoyed this.”

But several years ago, I had to end the… friendship… relationship… whatever it was. It was odd. I could have handled that relationship more maturely today, but back then, I was all about putting things in boxes, and the mess that was us didn’t fit into any box. Though that wasn’t the only problem with it by any means.

Unfortunately remaining friends wasn’t an option for me, because this person continued to say disturbing and creepy things, and sometimes I worried about my welfare around them. And yet, there was a part of me (a smaller part these days, maybe because I’ve matured and it’s become less important) that only they understood 100%.

I think many people have some part of them that no one can fully grasp. There’s things about close friends, or even my husband, that I can understand as best as I can, but our brains work differently, so there is a limit. It’s a magic moment when a very weird part of your brain is understood to a T by another person.

For me, that part used to be intricately tied to romantic love. I had a very black and white view of a lot of things at the time. I was sheltered and naive (but sure didn’t think so!) Now, I know they don’t need to be intricately tied at all, but it’s too late. Even if it wasn’t, this person really wasn’t stable, and sometimes I felt in danger, which I’m sure they would be devastated to know. But I did.

So I don’t know why I have regrets. I remember being afraid of them, and my husband knowing it (early in our dating.) But a part of my brain must have regrets if I still have the odd dream. Or does it? I don’t know.

I ultimately blocked this person everywhere. It was the first time I blocked someone I’d been romantically involved with. And I had tried not to. In a way, thinking of them still “triggers me” you could say. If I see a photo of them all of a sudden, I get a cold sweat, the hair on my arms stands on end, I get a cold chill down my spine. It’s a reaction like you would if you’re afraid of something dangerous. It’s not a good feeling. So I wonder why I still have dreams.

I guess I always regret friendships dissolving. Regardless of whether I do it, or someone else does. Relationships are so messy. Every person you meet, you know, it’s so unbelievably unlikely for you both to be born at around the same period in history, and then meeting, and then becoming involved with each other. The number of people you’re going to be doing that with is finite, and not as large as you might think. So every connection that is broken permanent is a big loss, in a way.

But sometimes it’s for the better. When I severed this connection, I remember feeling intense relief. So it must have been for good, even if I am nostalgic for good memories…

Maybe I just want to make new good memories. But with COVID, it’s really hard. So every little thing these days, like playing games together or going out to have ramen with Christopher, or something as simple as stopping to have a donut in the parking lot before grocery shopping together, all of that, I treasure it.

Even when he scares me half to death by pushing himself into almost passing out from heat exhaustion, so that he’s sprawled on the floor and I’m yelling at him and trying to be as scary and serious as I can which is incredibly hard because he’s so good at making me laugh —even those kind of upsetting moments, I treasure. Every one. Because every little thing enriches the connection I have with him.

Haha, sorry… this is very rambly and I kinda took a weird turn. I guess in the end it’s just a post about relationships.

You can’t take for granted any connection you have in your life right now. Or ever, really. You never know when everything is going to change completely. As, indeed, it has. So treasure what you have, even if it seems limited by so many constraints right now.

The so-called “new normal” won’t be forever. But the past isn’t coming back either. Don’t take for granted what you have in these COVID times because it’s less than what you had before. Because just as you don’t know what wonderful things are around the corner (and there are: I promise) you also don’t know what you will lose next.

Treasure it all.

State of The Squelf: Mid-October Edition 👻

I can’t believe it’s already Monday again. I can’t believe it’s already almost 6pm. Today flew by, yet it also dragged on. I don’t feel well overall.

Last week, Akumin called again to reschedule my cervical MRI: in spite of all the problems, my insurance approved it and it was moved to Tuesday. That was a relief. So I got that done.

Unfortunately, I goofed and forgot about my blood test appointment. So that added a week of time to that. I’ll be getting the blood drawn this Friday. I felt very stupid.

Last Thursday I had another headache. The difference here was that it was the first time that it happened when my husband and I were intimate. Up until now, it had only been a “by myself” problem. So that put a temporary damper on the evening. It wasn’t terrible, as I stopped in time, but it left me with a burning in the area of what I now know is my occipital nerves under my right ear. It’s a pressure, an ache, an annoying warmth. And that remained for days, varying in intensity, and I feel it even now. It’s deeply annoying, and coupled with my PMS and with physical needs that I cannot take care of for the foreseeable future, I am literally crawling up the walls. It’s the freaking worst.

CW: TMI ahead.

Sometimes I wish I’d never discovered orgasms. A little over a couple of months ago, I didn’t need them, and I was fine. Maybe I wasn’t always, but I didn’t know that it was a problem. Now I know what they are, and how to have them. And I can’t. I can’t because if I do it I feel like someone is torturing me with an ice pick, hammer and vice to the head, all in one. All of that —and not taking care of myself is STILL HARD. The frustration I’m feeling physically is so horrible, that if a solution to my headaches cannot be found, I’ll gladly take a pill to at least temporarily kill my libido. Because this is a horrible way to feel. It’s horrible.

Aaaaanyway…

I meant to introduce you all to Punkim. As far as Charlie Bears go, Punkim is very basic looking, but he’s big and fluffy. I think he’s my most down-to-earth bear. I like him lots and lots.

Here’s a couple of photos of Punkim before his outfit was complete. You can see his face (and his cute little bear pants) better:

And here he is in his full outfit:

Lately, Christopher and I have been playing a little of Ever17 every day. It’s a game that’s really important to him, and as we play, I can see why. It’s been a wonderful routine especially on the days he is home earlier, or on the weekends, to play together for an hour while having a snack.

I’ve been eating crushed dry ramen while playing which makes me feel like an absolute beast, but to tell the truth it’s one of the most delicious things I’ve ever had. You smash the ramen, pour it in a bowl, and then mix it with the powder. Try it! I discovered it after seeing it’s sold as a dry snack in Asian stores and it’s 100% the same thing as normal dry ramen.

(And yes, this is completely safe to eat, though you have to be careful with your teeth, and I can only vouch for Nissin brand as being safe to eat like this, but I do believe most ramen is pre-cooked. You’re just hydrating it.)

On Saturday night Christopher surprised me by taking me to our favorite ramen place. I was sure it had closed down. It really made my night!

I’m doing my best to push through commission work. But to tell the truth I have no motivation for anything… not drawing, writing, reading, gaming… nothing… 😞

Maybe tomorrow I’ll concentrate on giving the house a good cleaning. I think that has been bothering me. Maybe it will help, if only I can muster the motivation.

Oh, yeah. I want to deeply, deeply thank everyone who got slots for the Winter Friends YCH. While I’m still returning and reordering stuff from Amazon, overall my setup is improving daily. Getting used to some changes in my setup presents a challenge of its own, but I’m doing my best. Once I’m 100% all done, I’ll post photos of both completed setups.

I’m most excited to get my Redbubble stickers for my desk. I can’t wait to cover the desk in new stickers. ✨ 🌈

Just a squelf, squelfin' around.