On Love

I was reminiscing the other day about some life experiences, particularly when it comes to the topic of love. Romantic and otherwise.

I have come to a wonderful and terrible realization when it comes to love.

You don’t need to be a nice person to be loveable. You don’t need to do nice things to be worthy of someone’s love.

I used to feel very strongly that if someone was a “bad person” (whatever that means) or purposely mean, you shouldn’t love them, but I never had connected dots in my head that resulted in this realization prior to recently. I thought this without ever putting it into words. So, when I loved people, I tried to find good qualities in them that made them worthy of my love. When they showed bad qualities, I excused them or tried to fix them, or removed them from my life if those bad qualities seemed to overwhelm the good ones. I forced myself to grow unattached, and find people worthy of being loved, and who loved me back. And perhaps this is healthy, but that is actually besides the point I’m trying to make.

Some years ago, when a friend of mine was severely depressed, I tried to remind him over and over of all the reasons that made him worthy of love. You are a good person. You do this. You do that. Thus, you deserve to be loved.

In truth, I have come to learn that it’s closer to “You are a person, and you are lovable.” We are all worthy of love to someone. It doesn’t really matter what kind of person we are. Maybe it should, but it doesn’t.

This ramble probably sounds a bit nonsensical. But the time came when I fell in love with someone who most of the time was not nice. Who a lot of the time could in fact be quite mean. Someone who often didn’t try to be nice, or even want to. And I loved them anyway. Actually I think (no, I know) I loved them precisely because they were this way. I kept thinking the love would go away. But, now I know that someone’s lovability is completely independent of the sort of person they are.

I felt the need to write this, because once I realized it, it really hit me like a million bricks, in a wonderful way, in a terrible way. I wish I could better articulate my words. Everyone is lovable to someone! This probably isn’t news to most people, but it was to me. You exist. Therefore, you are lovable. It’s really just how it is.

To someone, it doesn’t matter how much of a jerk you are. Or how rude you can be. Or any of those things. You exist in the world, and that is enough for that person to love you. Your mere existence trumps out any other factors.

If you ever feel that you don’t deserve to be loved, be assured. It is not a matter of deserving anything. It is enough that you exist. It is enough just as you are.

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