A Big Old Ramble 💭

Yesterday was a bit of a rough day to say the least… Christopher’s Grandpa is in a bad way. He’s dying, there is no other way to put it. He has been struggling for many years, but now there will be no more efforts to revive him if he takes a turn for the worse. He’s been sent back home and basically everyone is there, waiting for him to pass. And so would we be, under normal circumstances.

But these aren’t ordinary days and those normal rules don’t apply. Unfortunately, there have been 50+ cases of COVID at Christopher’s workplace, and our area in general is a hot zone. Our family is in Sebastian and Port St. Lucie, where the number of cases is nowhere near as bad. The family getting together in a small space isn’t great regardless, but we felt we brought far too much risk into that equation, especially for Grandma… so after discussing it between us and with family, we decided to stay behind.

It’s very ironic, I wasn’t able to be there for my dad’s passing, or my grandma’s, or their funerals. This is the first time a loved one is passing away, or about to, since then. And now I (we) can’t be there, again. If and when Grandpa passes, the funeral would be on New Hampshire, which means we could not attend… if Christopher leaves the state, he has to take two weeks off without pay. I only found that out yesterday.

So anyway that was the situation yesterday and I felt extremely out of sorts. Got some commissions done, but mostly didn’t know what to do with myself. My new bear Anise came (originally a Charlie Bears Anniversary Shades, my first anniversary edition) and that gave me some comfort.

I had plans to go for a bike ride, or a scooter ride or walk, just… something. But I didn’t feel right going out. Anything I did seemed so frivolous. But some work got done at least, and at one point I played a stupid game for a little while, which served to relax me.

It’s a dumb time management game that I play with the time management aspect turned off because it’s very relaxing then. And I like the graphics and theme, it makes me feel very Little.

The snails… well, they’re all chugging along. The baby snails are doing very well. They eat so much. Basically anything I provide but mostly lettuce. But nothing is completely ignored (except for the mealworms).

Everyone is growing fantastically. I am really proud of them.

At the same time, their health and activity just makes how poorly the adults are doing even more evident given the stark contrast. It’s just a waiting game to see if the new hypoaspis I added to their tank will work. I’m most of all upset that I didn’t think and put the Milk snails and Aspersas together. I could have limited this issue to those Aspersas and if they all died, the issue died with them, sad as I would have been. They were always unhealthy snails. But the Milk snails were not, and I feel awful about it.

That aside, it seems Tuesday my Jellycats will arrive, and I’ll get to open my birthday bear on Wednesday.

In general I’ve been feeling a little odd lately… and with heavy thoughts in my mind. Thinking about some things that happened earlier this year.

I decided at one point to (as gently as I could, which was not easy or even entirely possible to do gently) distance myself from a friend, actually one of the closest and most significant friendships I had, if rather short and turbulent when I look back on it. I needed to know if my gut feeling to actually end the friendship was right or not, I couldn’t just do it willy-nilly, and I felt I wouldn’t know for sure unless I took a BIG step back. I was very afraid of having second thoughts. I don’t have many offline close friends. It was really hard to do.

But ever since then, my mental health has improved a ton. Kind of a sad outcome, but also a good result, and something my other friends noticed. So I do feel that I made the right decision then and that the right decision moving forward is to leave things as they are, and not resume the friendship (to be honest I think it’s better for them, also.)

But the whole experience, from when it started years ago now (time flies) to how it ended, and things that happened in between, left me kinda rattled. It left me unsure about making friends the way I used to (without second guessing it, in a spontaneous and happy way, because I never thought there could be anything to lose or risk from making new friends, and now I realize that is not true, not true at all, and there could be a lot changed indeed, and even a lot lost.)

I feel that now, if I make a new local friend, and we seem to be hitting it off, my mind just goes…

“What are all the potential ramifications of becoming friends with this person? What will happen if I introduce them to these friends? What about those other friends? Will they get along? If they do, will my other friends eventually abandon me for them? If I am there for them, will they be there for me or will it only be when it’s convenient? Can I speak my mind with them or do I have to walk on eggshells all the time?”

All of this seems to go through my mind now, every time, then my brain overloads and I just want to protect my heart so I’ll think… maybe it’s better not to… let’s just be casual acquaintances, outside of my home, outside of my circle of friends, not too close to my heart. Arms’ length. It’s safer.

I want to stop feeling this way, and in a way, slowly, I am trying to. Recently on the Littlefort server and on my own I have been making new friends. In particular I made one good new friend, who seems to be as I used to, very forward at the beginning of a new friendship. And it feels safer, with it being online. So that has been nice. I hadn’t “let anyone in” as a friend, in a long time, so maybe part of me is starting to heal. I know I had developed an aversion even to new online friends, because I had a bad experience in that regard too. So, it must be finally getting a little better, and maybe I’m ready to trust people again.

At the same time I am just making a big effort to not try to forcefully keep people in my life who constantly hurt me in seemingly innocuous ways or underhanded ways. For years, my motto was “always assume the best of people”. But now I’ve changed that to “if someone is repeatedly showing you the kind of person they are, take them for what they are.” Meaning either accept them exactly like that, or distance yourself if you don’t want to get hurt. And I’m starting to do the latter. If someone is consistently throwing veiled judgements or jealously in my direction, I’m going to drop those relationships.

Well, as the title stated this turned out to be a huge ramble of a post but that is okay. It helps to write this stuff, to get it out and organize the jumble of thoughts and feelings inside of me. Thank you for reading.

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