On Letting Go Of Fixing People, By TheraminTrees

“Codependents learn to feel maladaptive false hope in the fleeting moments of their abusers’ magnanimity. A small act of apparent kindness gets interpreted as a shaft of sunlight, an expression of personal value from the abuser. They hope that behind the broody gray clouds, there really is a bright sun, and that one day the clouds will part permanently, but there is no sun. Codependents have just grown so accustomed to the dark, that any dim light can seem dazzling.”

Every once in a while I come across a bit of info that, helping me reflect on past experiences and relationships, brings things into very sharp focus. I thought this might help someone else too.

It’s nuts how obvious some of this stuff seems now, with the clarity of retrospective, and realizing I’ve always been a person with codependent tendencies is scary because I could have truly fallen into the hands of a lifelong abuser. It could have happened to me.

Instead, I ended up with a kind, loving man by my side, who not only would not take advantage of this side of me, but actively (and perhaps not even always consciously) helps to push back against my tendencies in a healthy manner.

At the end of the day, the more time goes by, the more I am grateful for the valuable lessons I’ve had from life, even if they were painful ones. I think that walking away from religion has been a part of this growing and healing process, because the emphasis on mending any broken bridges can be so toxic, especially if you’re a sunshine-and-rainbows, no-one-is-bad-deep-inside type person. ^_^;

I should add, this video also made me realize some of my own narcissistic behavior. We all have the potential to abuse and to be abusers as much as we have the potential to develop codependent habits. Ultimately, I think I am far more codependent. But I want to continue to be more aware of my more toxic tendencies as much as I can going forward.

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