I woke up to a puddle of $h!t in my bathroom because Kotoko had the runs. Then the news about Milo and intense work corroborating it took hours off of my day. My spirit was very low. Plus the semi-confirmation of a different suspicion that is giving me a lot of stress. I just have this weird, shaky and sad feeling. If I hadn’t made such a serious promise to myself, today would absolutely be a “buy a new bear” day.
I won’t, of course. Every penny and every spare moment to work on art that brings those pennies, to cover my debt, are of the utmost importance right now. But oh, how good do new bears feel. I don’t feel any danger of wavering in my resolve, it’s being tested today but that’s alright.
Next week is that doctor’s appointment with the potentially painful test. I don’t want to say what it is because I don’t want to read comments about how awful it is. I’ll go into details when it has been done, but I am dreading it.
Anyway, another long bike ride and talking to my friend Nate this morning helped a lot. It’s really wonderful to have such a friend to lean on, and who understands my very specific troubles, even if he lives an ocean’s distance away.
The bike ride was really nice:
Also, my new espresso machine that Christopher bought me came today!
And the last Walmart package for the kitchen, with the utensil jar and paper towel holder:
I’ll have a photo of the pretty paper towel holder soon. Oh, and my two skirtalls are coming tomorrow. That’s so exciting, too!
For dinner, I made chicken drumsticks in the Instant Pot. The Instant Pot is so pretty…
Dinner turned out alright:
Also, my baby pomatias are big enough to cling to the glass! They are still definitely developing though. The eggs were laid maybe three weeks ago, tops. The last clutch didn’t emerge until the shells were dark and twice this size.
CW: The rest of this post has to do with weight loss, body image, and feelings on the topic. PLEASE, if this upsets you, simply close the tab. Don’t read beyond the line below, don’t do that to yourself, please. Ok?
EDIT: I’m fixing typos as I go. I made so much art for him including gifts. This is a very disturbing day for me so please bear with the typos below and with me just, not being okay. I didn’t consider Milo a very close friend –more of a friendly acquaintance. What is really destroying me is having a suspicion about someone and not being able to do anything about it even though I had the suspicion before the event took place. I also really don’t know how this makes me feel about the community going forward even though I know that’s really unfair. I’m just trying to process this.
EDIT 2: As you all can imagine, I am also filled with dread at the possibility of being wrong. I know I’m not, going by the facts at hand, but France doesn’t have a public sex offender registry, there are no photos of this convicted Camille Orion anywhere. So I am going by the facts I have. The name, which I know to be correct. Having worked in a nursery, and then seeking work as an au pair / nanny (all things I knew he was doing.) Having multiple diplomas in the field (which I knew he had.) The age range is correct, but Milo hadn’t updated his age in a while, so I don’t know his exact age. Both men would be in their early 30s. The fact that he disappeared at the exact time the allegations were made, almost to the exact day. The mention of diaper fetish in the article. I do not see how this can not be Milo.
I think this additional info removes all shadow of doubt. I didn’t really have any, it’s just that, I don’t want to believe this, I know it’s true. But it’s so hard to accept. I’m so heartbroken, not for him, but for the community, and obviously for this very little child.
A long time ago, when I was doing lots of artwork for MalyMilo (Camille Orion) I remember seeing his photos working with children as an au pair. I remember also seeing some of his wet diaper art, stuff that was less innocent by my standards, and when I saw him in the photos with babies and little children, I’d think, I really hope he doesn’t end up molesting a child someday.
I don’t know why he gave me this feeling. I think it’s because I struggle with the idea of someone getting art of their baby sona in wet diapers WHILE working with babies. How do you do both at once and not have the former be sketchy? But the babyfur community always has such unfair stigma. I, of all people, should know better, and not think something horrible about a frequent commissioner… something that surely he’d never do. He studied so much to look after children. It was his biggest dream.
Today MarisolBosques posted art about Milo being gone, and I remembered, indeed, he disappeared August of 2019. I’d often wondered why. I had a bad feeling about a specific potential outcome that I thought was horrible of me to consider. In a terrible turn of events, I turned out to be right.
I’m shaking as I write this. And yes, that is Milo. I know, because everything matches up. Date, name, location, age, time he went missing, as well as obviously the stuff about diapers and zoophilia (my guess is that this is just how the article is referring to furry stuff, since I never did see Milo having zoophile inclinations, but I don’t know.)
I’m shaking not because I drew this guy SO MANY FUCKING TIMES. Not because I feel bad for him because FUCK HIM. I’m shaking because BEFORE he did this, without any solid reason I had a bad feeling. I had a bad feeling before this raging asshole molested a little innocent boy. I had nothing to really base the feeling on –most babyfurs aren’t pedos. I know this. I know he’s an anomaly. But I had the feeling, and a couple years after I had it, it happened. I couldn’t have done anything. Or could I? What could I have done? I’m crying as I type this. I’m trying not to throw up. I don’t want this to ruin the community for me. Why do people like him have to exist?
I know I’m ruining many people’s day with this post. If you knew Milo and this breaks your heart, I’m sorry. I’ll probably revise this later a bit. For now, I’m off to erase everything I’ve drawn of this scum of the earth.