Well, Today Was A Day ๐Ÿคก

I woke up to a puddle of $h!t in my bathroom because Kotoko had the runs. Then the news about Milo and intense work corroborating it took hours off of my day. My spirit was very low. Plus the semi-confirmation of a different suspicion that is giving me a lot of stress. I just have this weird, shaky and sad feeling. If I hadn’t made such a serious promise to myself, today would absolutely be a “buy a new bear” day.

 I won’t, of course. Every penny and every spare moment to work on art that brings those pennies, to cover my debt, are of the utmost importance right now. But oh, how good do new bears feel. I don’t feel any danger of wavering in my resolve, it’s being tested today but that’s alright.

Next week is that doctor’s appointment with the potentially painful test. I don’t want to say what it is because I don’t want to read comments about how awful it is. I’ll go into details when it has been done, but I am dreading it.

Anyway, another long bike ride and talking to my friend Nate this morning helped a lot. It’s really wonderful to have such a friend to lean on, and who understands my very specific troubles, even if he lives an ocean’s distance away.

The bike ride was really nice:

Also, my new espresso machine that Christopher bought me came today!

And the last Walmart package for the kitchen, with the utensil jar and paper towel holder:

I’ll have a photo of the pretty paper towel holder soon. Oh, and my two skirtalls are coming tomorrow. That’s so exciting, too!

For dinner, I made chicken drumsticks in the Instant Pot. The Instant Pot is so pretty…

Dinner turned out alright:

Also, my baby pomatias are big enough to cling to the glass! They are still definitely developing though. The eggs were laid maybe three weeks ago, tops. The last clutch didn’t emerge until the shells were dark and twice this size.

CW: The rest of this post has to do with weight loss, body image, and feelings on the topic. PLEASE, if this upsets you, simply close the tab. Don’t read beyond the line below, don’t do that to yourself, please. Ok?

These past few days, I’m mostly failing with the calorie counting in the sense that it’s still too high for the caloric need of someone like me. But I’m doing well at paying more attention and tracking. I’ve stopped eating mindlessly, eating because I’m sad, bored, lonely, or whatever. These are all good things, and they are a direct result of calorie counting, but somehow I end up feeling bad about doing it. ๐Ÿ˜…

In a funny way (only, you know, not really) there’s been a seemingly growing stigma over the years with wanting to be fit, or rather with wanting to not be fat, and making an effort to lose weight. Of course, there’s still a FAR worse stigma with being fat, I’m not kidding myself about that, but if I was still on social media, I don’t think I would feel comfortable making my fitness posts at all. In the communities I’m in, it seems like if you count calories you’re assumed to have an unhealthy obsession or an eating disorder (even though counting calories is the basic tenet behind any weight loss: eating healthy and exercising still means consuming less calories than you spend. That’s what losing weight is.)

If you don’t like being fat, it’s seen as you judging or not liking people who are fat. I think all of my friends are beautiful… When it comes to myself though, there’s a weight threshold where the clothes I love don’t look the way I want them to on me, and when I can feel my rolls squeezing in a certain incredibly uncomfortable way. Also, to put this very simply, I just don’t feel as “Little”, I do not wear my Little outfits as often, I don’t like how I look wearing Lolita when it’s tight and uncomfortable; in short, I become quite depressed and unhappy.

Plus, when you consider why I gain weight (truly eating like absolute garbage and snacking non-stop) and the fact that the meds I take lead to weight gain, it’s something I have to do just for my health. Even so –if you look at what I eat every day, and my daily calories, I’m hardly starving myself. I haven’t met my daily calorie goals a single day yet. I’m just concentrating on doing my best every single day and each day get a little closer to that goal. It’s just a bummer that trying to keep myself motivated to fit into my wardrobe and literally be healthy is triggering for others in negative ways, but I have to do what works to motivate me. Even so, I’ve tried my best to hide things under a cut so as not to trigger people.

We all want to be happy with how we look… But sometimes I feel like, online (and outside of fitness comms, of course) if you’re not happy with your body, your only socially acceptable course of action is to learn to be happy with it and love it, rather than putting effort toward changing it. It’s not okay to not be happy with your body. Sometimes, this makes me feel constantly and silently judged and shamed for my weight-loss efforts, so that instead of a rewarding feeling, it makes me feel like a bad person for trying.

It’s this, rather than any form of self-hate, that makes my fitness efforts demoralizing and difficult. I try my best to put all upsetting stuff behind trigger warnings for people but sometimes I worry it’s not enough.

I’m just going to keep doing it though, because I feel I owe it to myself.

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