Tag Archives: My Life

Last Few Days 🐌 πŸ’­

Last weekend my mom and sis in law came to visit. We played games, and Christopher cooked lots of amazing food, so we didn’t have to go out for the most part. So that was really nice, and I’m missing them already. There’s some things in regards to which only my sis in law seems to understand me… and I’ve been feeling so isolated recently. The visit somehow makes the isolation harder.

My green card came in the mail, it’s really amazing to have it and no longer have to carry my passport, work permit, and the letter that made my expired temporary green card β€œvalid” (it expires because there’s such a backlog that your card expires before they can process the new one, which is why they send the letter and then you have to carry both things. God forbid you lose it!) Citizenship is gonna be next, so now we are looking into that.

Months keep going by, years even, I’m going to be 37 this month. In the back of my mind I still measure time by how long it has been since the β€œbad stuff” of a couple years ago, when I had the fallout with my friend, and everything got complicated in our friend group. Things were very lonely already since then, and with the pandemic even more so. We take so much for granted… I would give a lot to be able to go back for just one day to happy times with friends I miss, walking around the swap shop, drinking together, going to nice places to eat together, having parties… at our parties I often sit and draw and ignore everyone (at least at the LANs) but in my own quiet way I enjoy everyone’s noise and company so much. Who knows when we will have another LAN.

I’ve been trying to go out, to get out of my own head. Last Monday I went to Tree Tops Park. I got some nice pictures.

I thought this vine was really beautiful.

I was hunting for snails in the park, but I saw none. I did see and hear cicadas which I love, I saw many lizards and a huge iguana up a tree. I saw many spiders, and a few beetles, and flowers, and berries.

This was my favorite photo of the day, two beetles having an, err, intimate moment:

Here are some of the really beautiful flowers I saw:

I also found an interesting shell:

I believe it might have possibly belonged to a common heath snail, AKA helicella italia, but I am not certain.

Anyway, generally, I suppose my mood is a bit low… but not in a β€œI’m seriously depressed” way, more in a β€œthings are really blah right now with no change in the horizon” sorta way. I haven’t seen my mom in like five months. That just boggles my mind. It’s unbelievable to me. Somehow we are managing, but for how long? How long can I go without seeing my mother? How long will we all have to manage for?

Anyway I don’t want to get too grim, so as a final, silly thing to add to this rambly post, here is a very odd decoration I saw at Petsmart:

I hope you all enjoy the rest of your week!

Package From LilComforts is here!! πŸ¦’

Ok ok… I think with this I’m caught up on posting. (Also a heads-up, LilComforts is a site which does not sell to minors. Do NOT visit their site if you are under 18! It is not the place for you.)

Anyway! Casper was so kind holding my items a couple of weeks until I got paid. Today they arrived! I’ve eagerly awaited the release of this Baby Finn onesie for MONTHS. Just look how cute!! 😭

Additionally, I’ve also received two super soft bandanas. I can’t wear to wear these around my neck when the weather is a little cooler!

If you are interested in these sorts of products, their website is http://www.lilcomforts.com. Bear in mind: this is an ageplay store, if you don’t know what that is, or aren’t comfortable with kink content… maybe give that a pass. Lol.

If however this is up your alley, I can tell you the product is of amazing quality. I can’t wait to put together an outfit with this stuff!

“Lawful Permanent Resident”

Just three little words, but they mean a lot when you have waited nearly twenty years to read them.

My dad is dead now. So is my grandma. They never got to hear these happy news. So it is bittersweet. But in spite of that, it is an unbelievably joy, an indescribable happiness. Now I can begin to work towards being a citizen –voting, being part of a jury, truly being part of this country I’ve called my home for twenty years. I am so grateful, regardless of how hard the journey was.

I wish I could hold a big party at our house to celebrate this, but the pandemic doesn’t make that possible… so I’ll just have a little party in my heart. 🎈πŸ₯‚πŸŽ‰

On Love

I was reminiscing the other day about some life experiences, particularly when it comes to the topic of love. Romantic and otherwise.

I have come to a wonderful and terrible realization when it comes to love.

You don’t need to be a nice person to be loveable. You don’t need to do nice things to be worthy of someone’s love.

I used to feel very strongly that if someone was a “bad person” (whatever that means) or purposely mean, you shouldn’t love them, but I never had connected dots in my head that resulted in this realization prior to recently. I thought this without ever putting it into words. So, when I loved people, I tried to find good qualities in them that made them worthy of my love. When they showed bad qualities, I excused them or tried to fix them, or removed them from my life if those bad qualities seemed to overwhelm the good ones. I forced myself to grow unattached, and find people worthy of being loved, and who loved me back. And perhaps this is healthy, but that is actually besides the point I’m trying to make.

Some years ago, when a friend of mine was severely depressed, I tried to remind him over and over of all the reasons that made him worthy of love. You are a good person. You do this. You do that. Thus, you deserve to be loved.

In truth, I have come to learn that it’s closer to “You are a person, and you are lovable.” We are all worthy of love to someone. It doesn’t really matter what kind of person we are. Maybe it should, but it doesn’t.

This ramble probably sounds a bit nonsensical. But the time came when I fell in love with someone who most of the time was not nice. Who a lot of the time could in fact be quite mean. Someone who often didn’t try to be nice, or even want to. And I loved them anyway. Actually I think (no, I know) I loved them precisely because they were this way. I kept thinking the love would go away. But, now I know that someone’s lovability is completely independent of the sort of person they are.

I felt the need to write this, because once I realized it, it really hit me like a million bricks, in a wonderful way, in a terrible way. I wish I could better articulate my words. Everyone is lovable to someone! This probably isn’t news to most people, but it was to me. You exist. Therefore, you are lovable. It’s really just how it is.

To someone, it doesn’t matter how much of a jerk you are. Or how rude you can be. Or any of those things. You exist in the world, and that is enough for that person to love you. Your mere existence trumps out any other factors.

If you ever feel that you don’t deserve to be loved, be assured. It is not a matter of deserving anything. It is enough that you exist. It is enough just as you are.

A New Friend! 🧸

A package from The Toy Shoppe came yesterday with a lovely new member for my hug! He was an early birthday gift from my friend Nero. Hardy, a new friend, also very kindly helped me to get him. His Charlie Bear name is Waffle, I always rename my bears though, and I don’t have a name for him just yet. But he IS lovely! And has a hint of an adorable smile, along with a very unique fur pattern.

What he reminds me most of is banana nut bread, which I suppose is not the strangest name when I have a Charlie Bear cat named Fish β€˜n Chips, but somehow it’s not convincing me.

I have him wearing this as a temporary outfit:

He can wear Build-a-Bear tops quite well, but he’s kinda bulky bottom-wise so he’s wearing newborn size shorts. I did get him a pair of overalls with a rewards card I had for BAB, because nothing looks as good on bears as overalls/dungarees. And I got him a little hat and bandana on AliExpress, as well as a pacifier I’ll customize with a brooch pin so he can wear it. Once I decide on a name I’ll decorate the pacifier to match. Can’t resist teddies with pacis.

He got to sleep with me last night, which I NEVER do for these expensive bears, but I needed the comfort.

So anyway the last few days have been work work work, nonstop, so I’m busy and tired and my arm/wrist are killing me. So I’ll end this post here. I hope everyone is having a lovely week!

Oh and please guys. Even if the economy is reopening please keep in mind COVID-19 CASES ARE UP. THEY ARE WORSE NOW THAN BEFORE. You are in danger still, don’t go out unnecessarily, wear your masks, if you must go out for work or whatever protect yourselves, even if people laugh at you, please remember it’s actually worse now. I don’t want you all to get sick or die or sicken family members and feel that guilt. Please, be careful.

Last Couple of Days! πŸ„

The last two days have been interesting. πŸ‘€ πŸ’¦ Where to begin…

I broke the washing machine by trying to wash a coir mat in it. πŸ€¦β€β™€οΈ The washing machine is now (likely? hopefully?!) fixed but still disassembled. We’ll put it back together this weekend.

We are also getting a new microwave delivered because ours broke… that is also happening this weekend.

I worked a bunch more on the porch (hellish under the Florida heat) 😫 and I’ve spent the whole week adjusting the descriptions on my remaining FA submissions (over 1,000). Since I used the FA feature of adding a footer to everything automatically I still have to remove my extra footer that was originally written manually on every submission. I’m also using the chance to remove any outdated information. That has been a grueling, boring, repetitive, mind-numbing job. But it’s almost done, I expect to be done in about two more hours.

Yesterday I got to go to the local Asian market again, and also to Publix, where Christopher let me get this new buddy for my library:

After that we had our date night dinner, which was wonderful! πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’• Hamburger steak with mashed potatoes and I’m excited to have leftovers tonight. We played Animal Crossing and I had a little wine. It was a lovely evening though I fell asleep quite fast. I couldn’t even stay awake to watch anime.

Date night snack while playing Animal Crossing!

I haven’t posted any OOTD’s here yet because I’ve kinda lost my oomph with them, temporarily I’m sure, but it’s a direct result of 1) being too busy reorganizing and deleting my social media 2) not going anywhere 3) not being on Instagram anymore. My selfie thing was a bit excessive and a bit unhealthy (for me). So, I don’t see this as a negative. But I’d like to upload at least a 2-3 OOTD’s a week once I am done with this online β€œreset”.

Oh, one last thing. My friend Nero mentioned an old anime called Bannertail: The Story of Gray Squirrel, which is itself based upon a book by Ernest Thompson Seton. Now, this writer is celebrated but quite problematic (some serious issues of appropriation of Native American culture, but he was born in 1860, so you know, a quite different time. He seemed to be fascinated with it in a positive manner, but in a manner that is regardless as cringy as it gets.)

Anyway, this man seems to have written some very interesting animal books, so I ordered three of them. Bannertail, Monarch, The Big Bear of Tallac, and The Biography of a Grizzly.

I’m hoping the less-than-ideal content in these books, if any, is not too prevalent or bad, though this hardly keeps me from reading anything (I have some seriously messed-up stuff by today’s standards in my library… since I collect antique children’s books and you would be shocked at the amount of casual racism books had a hundred years ago or so. You think well, it’s to be expected, but some of it is really terrible, and in those cases I keep the books for the sake of them being a gross curiosity, but they don’t become something I enjoy re-reading.)

I’ll post an update about those books once they arrive!

A Look Through My Years In The Fandom 🐾

Yesterday I did a lot of changes to my FA. While they took hours, most are more evident primarily to me, and are for my own benefit.

I changed to the light interface, for starters: returning to FA after several years of merely bulk uploading every few weeks, I wanted the site to feel fresh for me. I was playing around with the different settings and to my surprise I found the light interface extremely pleasant to the eye even though I’m someone who will often go for dark modes when possible. It closely matches the mode I have Discord (which is nice since I’m on there all day now) and better yet, it reminds me of Nabyn.

You may or may not remember Nabyn, which was a site made to resemble the old DeviantART. It was wonderful. But eventually it fizzled out. The similarity made me nostalgic for both sites, especially since I just nuked my DeviantArt last week after, I think, perhaps 15 years of activity.

It’s funny… I used to be the sort of person who wanted any and all history, posts, blogs, art I ever created, to remain online forever. This is what made my first-ever nuking of information a few years ago (deleting my Facebook account) so difficult. At the time, I had been on Facebook for about ten years, it had chronicled relationships, breakups, trips, and deaths. I’d been the sort of person to write very long status updates daily. Deleting that was a big deal β€”and changed everything.

I can’t explain why, but once I clicked that delete button, it was unbelievably freeing. I had long hated Facebook and with my profile truly gone and not simply deactivated, I never went back. It was one of the best decisions I ever made, and ever since I’ve felt far less attached to my online content.

Sometime before then, I’d also wiped my FA journals, of which there had been one almost daily for several years. Of course I should clarify I do save all of this for my offline records. I just remove it from the internet. Honestly, I don’t feel right leaving my ramblings forever online anymore: today, everything you write must not only be acceptable for today’s social standards but must also preventively abide by all standards of the future, lest sooner or later your words are used against you. I’ve seen this happen far too often. I would once have said that, surely, there is a time for such action, times where it is necessary, but I am so weary of cancel culture, that these days I feel jaded towards it all. I understand some might think that by using a term such as “cancel culture” I am being dismissive of well-warranted call outs. I understand why you would feel this way, and I suppose in practical terms, I am perhaps being dismissive. But I’ve seen so many petty or baseless ones, many causing massive undeserved emotional and professional damage, that I tend to roll my eyes at it all, unfortunately (it didn’t have to be this way, though.)

Anyway, I digress. These previous wipes of content, never yet regretted, bring me to last night. After updating my profile for the first time in years, as well as updating my journal footer and header, and adding a footer to all of my submissions (FA might be hilariously delayed with adding new features but I do give them massive props for this one) I started going through my gallery.

I’d had attempts at wiping old art before β€”art from before I was a furry that I promise no one is too attached tooβ€” but I just couldn’t do it. For some reason last night it was very easy to do, without second-guessing or regrets. I deleted well over 200 submissions, and I’m still going. Again, please don’t worry, the sort of things I deleted are very unlikely to be missed by anyone. But even if that were the case, it felt so good to delete them, it gave me such a wonderful feeling that I hope you’ll forgive me for doing so. It’s mostly ancient art related to my books.

I also went through my entire gallery as part of the process. I’ve uploaded a lot to FA, and it was an emotional process, to say the least. Not hard, just emotional.

I remembered people who died. I remembered when I first met new friends and gave them that first piece of gift art. I remembered when I first met others for whom life was so, so different at the time from what it is now. Some are a lot happier. Some have disappeared and I barely know through the grapevine that they are still alive. Some had children. Some married. Some I’ve become so close with, that I consider them family. Some had absolute meltdowns on Twitter or FA and then disappeared forever from the fandom. Others left less dramatically.

Some I remember meeting in person at that first Megaplex β€”leaving my bags in the lobby to run into their arms.

Some I met for the first time during our little GemmaCon Atlanta meet, and I remember running down the street at night to a bar where everyone was waiting, and how I was breathless, crying from happiness and excitement, one of the happiest nights of my life still all these years later.

Some I met as recently as last year after years of online friendship. Some I used to not get along with so well, and now I would take a bullet for. Some I’ve fell out with. There isn’t a person I’ve fallen out with that I still do not care for on some level.

There are a few things in my life that dramatically altered its course. Of course, everything you do in life will have this effect, in big and little ways. Some of the biggest for me were coming to the United States, meeting my husband, and, as life changing as these two, joining the furry fandom.

Over the past few years I felt I was becoming very disillusioned with it. I stopped calling myself a furry for certain periods. I felt I had all of these wonderful memories and that was great but those days were over.

But after the last few days on Discord, after deleting Twitter and Instagram (with Twitter being the most significant) I realized I was wrong. The fandom didn’t change that much. My friends didn’t change that much. Not in the ways that matter. Social media, and Twitter in particular (even Livejournal and Tumblr, honestly any place that has a repository for harassing/calling out people, really) will absolutely warp your perception. They sure did warp mine.

I know not everyone can just up and leave social media. A lot of you will tell me β€œit’s how I make a living” which I can completely understand. I’m (currently) in a more comfortable position: I have a couple of commercial clients and my husband takes care of all my needs. That said, I do still count on my commission income for any business related bills, and any frivolous spending. So I do very much care about being able to continue to sell commissions, and in that regard I have no idea how it’s going to pan out when I reopen later this year.

However, if you want to risk it, what I can tell you is that it took less than a week for my life to completely change. I’ve felt so light and happy. My brain seems to be adjusting itself, I can concentrate more easily, my thoughts are more positive, my stress has melted away. I’ve been talking to my friends a lot more, the opposite of what I expected! I knew that social media was ruining my life. But I don’t think I realized to what degree. Even as much as I despised it, still, I underestimated its effect on me.

I guess I have to bring this entry to a close, since I don’t have much else to add. I’m feeling happy and nostalgic and looking forward to the future.

I’ve been plugging this relentlessly but please: if you’re a watcher, you’re over 18 years old, and you can follow some basic rules, please join my discord server. It’s a lot of fun! https://discord.gg/2EZVR7Q (Obviously if you’ve been blocked by me somewhere, then please do not join my server.)

Especially if we are friends, I beg you to join. I don’t want to lose touch with people I mostly spoke to on Twitter. I didn’t β€œget” Discord for several years and now that I do, I’m seriously stunned by how utterly amazing it is.

I’m off to start my day properly now, and I hope each and every one of you has a wonderful one!

Happy Monday! πŸŒπŸ’•

Good morning everyone! This morning the snails were more active. I saw them eating and moving around. Though for the life of me I couldn’t find one of them, I’m sure he’s somewhere though…

I’d been worried about their low activity level, going deeper into their shells and even covering them with that film. It’s nice to see them active today, but I also read that Helix Aspersa need to be dormant for like a month out of the year or something, basically hibernation, regardless of their environment. I’m not sure how true this is but maybe, as usual, the answer is not to bother them.

Something interesting for you all in the second picture. Those two snails mated. After mating, their πŸ†β€™s go in each other and stay like that for a long time (sometimes 8 hours or so) and in the meantime the snails sleep. I tend to spray them more during this time so that they don’t dry out. πŸ™‚

The eggs still haven’t hatched, I hope they do soon, I’m really excited about it… I’m also excited about a few deliveries of stickers happening between today and tomorrow. 🌈✨

Perhaps unsurprisingly with the isolation from Twitter and Instagram, I’ve been thinking about Megaplex being canceled a lot more. I’m really going to miss it this year. I miss my friends. There’s a lot of friends I already wasn’t getting to see often, outside of furry. And now, I won’t even see my furry friends.

I know nothing stays the same forever, and I’ll make new friends too. But man this year is hard in that regard. It is a bit lonely. I’m trying my best though!

Happy Sunday! πŸŒˆπŸ’•

This post is a little test. Just wanted to see how easy it is to post to my blog from my phone. πŸ˜„

Today was pretty chill. I finished setting up the blog, did some chores around the house, began sketching something for Nazz, and worked on the porch.

I know it sounds a little ridiculous but my day really did feel extremely different without Twitter and Instagram. I did unconsciously attempt to go to these sites all day long. πŸ™ƒ Ultimately it still feels like a huge relief. You have to understand, social media has been a very big part of my life these past few years. Silly as it may seem this is a significant change in my life.

Anyway, here are some photos of the work I did on the porch today. Earlier this year I planted a bunch of things. Some things were more fun to grow than others. Some died, some are doing well. I decided to keep the things that are thriving and that I’m enjoying caring for, and replacing the rest with artificial plants since I like those just as much.